Jake Pavelka, the current Bachelor on the ABC series, has made comments about breaking the adage that “Nice guys finish last.” It appears that Jake is hoping that this reality show will be the platform that will enable him to overcome his difficulty in finding “the right one” and meet a woman that he can settle down with and marry. When Jake was a contestant on the Bachelorette with Jillian, he was turned down for being “too perfect.” My guess is “perfect” is code boring and dis-ingenuine. This season Jake still seems “too perfect.” But is he really?
Obviously something has gotten in the way of Jake finding love and settling down up to this point. On television Jake comes across as a “nice” guy with his big grin and conservative values. One may assume that he wants another smiling woman with similar conservative values. However, Jake continues to pick Vienna week after week as a woman he may want to marry. This seems in such contrast with what people would expect from him. Is this a reality show set up (as in producers encouraged him to keep her on for the drama) or is he really considering her as a potential mate?
So is Jake really the nice guy who finishes last, as he proclaims? His niceness seems over-the-top and insincere. It’s not just his words that indicate this, but his facial expressions, too. He is always smiling. Even when is talking about something painful. Jake seems to be someone who covers up his real emotions with a smile. He gives cheesy lines and is not congruent with how he’s really feeling. His intention may be to be a “nice guy,” but he’s trying so hard at it that he is likely stuffing down his true emotions. He doesn’t want to risk showing any emotions that others may deem acceptable. If this is Jake’s pattern, then it makes sense why his past relationships haven’t worked. When people mask their true emotions and stuff their true feelings they often end up feeling resentful of their partner and the relationship falls apart. Also, this incongruence between the situation and his facial expression indicates to his partner that he is not genuine and people probably find it difficult to make a real connection with him.
How do you make a connection with someone who is not being true to their feelings? You end up connecting to the “fake” them, and not the real person. The lesson for Jake is that confrontation is not necessarily a bad thing. It is important to directly express to your partner your feelings- good and bad. And to be less concerned with appearances and more authentic with your true self. Only time will tell if Jake will reveal his true self, and if he will no longer be “the nice guy who finishes last.”
Alisa Robinson, Ph.D. 
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